laughter without a reason is a sign of idiotis(o)m

I find nothing better than thinking of buying a house somewhere quiet on this rainy day

I figured out how to describe it.
I feel traumatized.
Everything that I was doing was wrong.
What was done to me was also wrong.
Now I have a broken mind and a wired up heart.
It’s all hormonal, they say.
I am traumatized.
I am traumatized.
I need broken.
I feel wrong.
I feel not right.
I don’t feel good.
I am traumatized.
Please send me help and strength to get out of this feeling.
I want to be on the right way.

no need for a prayer.
if you’re doing the right thing, you wouldn’t be constantly praying for success and support and inspiration and guidance and all that shit.
you’re doing the right thing. you are merely wording your wishes. you don’t need to have all the help from nowhere above.
on the other hand, I’d you’re doing something crooked, oh fuck yeah you need all the fucking support every fucking say with your bullshit meditations bitch.

M143 and Xiao Yao San have been the best things that happened in my life. after T. all thanks to him.

Two weeks ago I left at night on T’s birthday.

We had a lot of fun moments. I didn’t want to leave but I was understanding this isn’t going anywhere. The dread that in probably 20 years I won’t be able to hold him tight and he’d become like sand - not graspable and unshapey. He would just vanish - death is truly scary. And I would want to share my gold years with him… but he would not be with me.
And that over those months I haven’t achieved much - instead I was being exhausted to the point of feeling extremely old myself. I would have been a school dropout, would have lost two jobs, would have gained an extremely morbid amount of weight, would be snoring really hard and waking myself up from my own snores, would never recover from catching constant colds, would always be stressed about the arrangement of the house and its cleanliness, not having a corner for myself, sharing spaces and not understanding what was happening in all those people’s lives, would sacrifice the little crazy thing a young person would do and feeling restricted to such a point that I had to dissolve in him and his lifestyle and not to occupy a busy and serious man with silly activities…

The breakup feelings and wish to go back vanished after 5 days since I moved back to T. Acu tx with Hoffman released me - I don’t know what kind of magic he did. But my appetite was back and it felt like the past months were just a dream and I just woke up to reality - as if nothing happened. I didn’t want to go back anymore. I looked at this man and had no feelings. However, my brain still remembers the beautiful moments we had together.

As of today, I wish I could just talk to him.
But he isolated the idea of me from him life.
You can’t be friends with exes.
But I didn’t even want to be a current.
Don’t shit where you eat.
I was devastated and wanted to dive into a new adventure. Get a fresh breath.
Nothing mattered to me.
But I didn’t wanna leave either…
Yet I chose the new adventure. I didn’t want it. I didn’t want to choose. He shouldn’t have pressed me to leave and choose him. He should have understood that he shouldn’t be breaking my life.

I still remember the looks, the winks, the smiles, the head shakes, the handhelds, the laughter, the expressions, the shapes… I remember the color of the blankets, I remember the arrangement of furniture in the room, the kitchen appliances and nooks… it’s been two weeks only, two long weeks full of healing and emotional tortures, but feels like it was just two days ago. I still miss the soft arm I would sleep in, the machine with hoses, the force of air and the sound of it, the tenderness of the strokes, that I felt like a little girl so super protected…

I started exercising every morning even as little as 5 min, getting in my Vitamin D with the morning sun, walking every night for a good hour, watching my meat intake and examining my dreams based on the meals of the precious day, watching a movie almost every night till the end or at least a good episode of Dr House, sleeping for a nice 7 hours, waking up in warmth, no stress-eating, no peeing for a thousand times before sleep or having a disturbed sleep and no need to pee in the middle of the night, I dream of moving again and finding my perfect home, thinking of purchasing little ceramic cuties for the kitchen, on my way on actually studying and inputting effort into revision of the old stuff, I’m excited to talking to new people and bonding with many, excited to try new stuff even if it comes to having nails done at a salon or getting an extra box of exquisite tea, happy to make changes in my space for stuff… I’ll keep updating this list, hopefully, probably.

These two weeks have been really long.
The past months passed by so quickly, but felt like a year - so much has changed, so much has happened…

I still need a lot of healing and I’m going there. Gonna wake up for T.

I hate this fucking year of the fucking rabbit.
Fuck that.

Happy to be in my cussing element.

Dad peed in bed. And I said it was me who wetted the bed.
I was like 5 years old.
Granny said she had a different relationship with my dad than my mom had. Granny understood my dad differently.
He told her he became impotent after he had a heart attack.
I didn't know.
I'm in so much shock.

Liz's boyfriends jerk off even though they had her. She felt how soft they were during intimacy. Because of that. Even the day prior to.
OMG
Another shocking stuff of the day.

I have svalko.org reserved for me to find joy.

I can't say it out loud, so I'll have to write it out loud.
the thoughts in my head flow so smoothly... yet, when I try to write them down, it's not as smooth.
why? why all these years were so unproductive? why did I have to push the wall that won't move?
just a few months ago I wrote down this confession on how it is to be with him, that my mind was clear on his drawbacks and how I was accepting him with all that shit he had on him, and here we are, full of shit, breaking off the 6-year relationship. for myself. not because I fell in love with someone else.
because I said it in my brain: "as soon as I get the degree, I'm out of this relationship." I said it. loud and clear. in my head.
why these years were so fruitless? it was killing me every day, just like studies would revive a restless and thirsty mind, that relationship would be killing me every day with the same but opposite success.
I'm drinking from a Dragon Herbs cup with their motto: "life deserves cultivation."
fucking hell. I was de-cultivating myself. today I saw a [nightmare] distressful dream about him and that previous guy. and I asked him: "do you actually regret behaving like these all these years, that it all ended up in losing me?" and he replied: "yes, of course, I miss you, I should have treated you a lot better, I should have walked on your back before every [...] (I don't remember what "every" it was), so that you would feel better." wtf??? what is this bullshit? who is sending me these messages, oh God almighty? and that all these motherfuckers want to keep in touch with me? after all that shit?
and, anyway, I'm again in a relationship, it's been a full 7 weeks, and I decided to be there, but it was a tough and weighed decision, and I like this guy as I looked at him once... and melted. the heart sunk. and I like him because he has goals and is so determined. and every day I see different sides of him, as it's many people in one.
I can't talk about my previous shit. I can't even say "shit" pretty much because it's not funny anymore, and I should settle down and get my proper nourishment. 7 weeks have been enough to enjoy the honeymoon, now get back to business and catch up. you can do it, moonpie. I love you.

ignorance is beautiful (c)

- todo este bien?
- uhuh
- *penetrates*